Who came first, GOD or GOD?

[We kicked this conversation off with an inquisition as to the current status of my insane day at work.]

Tyler: HELLO JESS
Jess: howdy
Tyler: ARE THINGS GETTING BETTER FOR TODAY
OR ARE THEY STILL HARD
Jess: IT'S CRAZINESS
IT'S A LI'L BIT CALMER, BUT STILL NUTS
Tyler: IT IS GOOD THAT IT IS BETTER
AND BAD THAT IT IS NUTS
Jess: ALSO, I WANT TO TAKE OUT A CONTRACT ON THIS ONE FAMILY-HISTORY- WRITING OLD WOMAN
Tyler: BY THIS
Jess: SHE'S AWFUL
Tyler: I ASSUME YOU MEAN
A MAFIA CONTRACT
Jess: UH HUH
SHE NEEDS TO DIE
Tyler: THIS IS A BAD THING TO DO IN MINE EYES
Jess: BUT I'M GOD!
Tyler: SO AM I
Jess: I CAN KILL WHOMEVER I PLEASE
Tyler: BUT NOT BY HIRING
GOD DOES NOT EMPLOY DEATH
Jess: LOL
YOU MEAN I HAVE TO SMITE HER MYSELF?
BUT I'M SO BUSY CLEANING UP HER CRAP
Tyler: THAT IS GROSS
SHE SHOULD GET DEPENDS
AGE IS NO GOOD REASON FOR THAT SORT OF MESSINESS
Jess: EWWWWWWWWW
Tyler: KESSA
KESSA
Jess: yes?
Tyler: KESSA, WHERE ART THOU?
Jess: I AM HERE
Tyler: THAT WAS MY MINOR BLASPHEMY FOR THE DAY
Jess: LOL

[We began discussing our plans for Easter.]

Tyler: I AM CONTEMPLATING A HAM FEAST
Jess: OOOOH
Tyler: LIKE
TO CELEBRATE THE LAW OF MOSES
BY EATING BACON AND HAM AND CHEESEBURGERS
AND
IGUANAS
ARE THEY ON THE LAW
I CAN NEVER REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD THEM
Jess: IS THIS YOUR MAJOR BLASPHEMY FOR THE DAY?
Tyler: WHAT
NO
THIS IS SERIOUS
BACON
FEAST
THESE ARE WORDS THAT SHOULD ALWAYS ACCOMPANY EACH OTHER
Jess: YOU'RE SO RIGHT
Tyler: OMNIPOTENCE IS COOL LIKE THAT
Jess: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING WITH THAT WHOLE DIETARY CODE THING?
Tyler: IT WAS A KICK
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THEM
Jess: LOL
Tyler: I AM HAVING A VERY SERIOUSLY THEOLOGICAL CONVERSATION WITH RACHEL
Jess: OH?
Tyler: I was finishing up my cookie dough

Tyler: CAN I HAVE SOME
IT WILL BE EATEN WITH MY OMNIPOTENT MOUTH
Rachel: ...
Sure. Who am I do deny God cookie dough?
Tyler: YOU ARE NOW ONE OF HIS FAVORITE PEOPLE
Rachel: Oh good
Tyler: BUT YOU MUST
UH
DEMONSTRATE YOUR FAITH
BY BRINGING IT TO CAMPUS
Rachel: Where on campus?
Tyler: ANYWHERE AND EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE
ATOP A TOPLESS THRONE
Rachel: oh my
I don't think I made that much cookie dough
Tyler: IT IS OK
I CAN FILL THE UNIVERSE AND STILL FIT INSIDE YOUR HEART
SIZE IS VARIABLE
Rachel: Oh. Right.
My feeble human brain forgets this
Tyler: IT IS DIFFICULT TO COMPREHEND THE INFINITE
Rachel: oh so true

Tyler: I WILL BE ON CAMPUS FOR A FEW MORE HOURS
IF YOU DECIDE TO COME AROUND
THAT WOULD ROCK HARD
OF COURSE
HOURS ARE IRRELEVANT TO ME
Rachel: lol
Well, I do have to go back up to campus for my 5:10 class
Tyler: FOR SERIOUS
Rachel: of course, you knew that
Tyler: OF COURSE
BUT I STILL ASK FOR YOUR EFFORTS
ELSE YOUR AGENCY WOULD NOT BE

Tyler: SO
THAT IS MY BLASPHEMOUS SELF
Jess: I JUST TOLD RACHEL THAT I WAS GOD FIRST :)
Tyler: THAT IS CRAP
IN A HAT
AND YOU HAVE TO WEAR THAT HAT
BECAUSE YOU ARE A LIAR
Jess: LOL
IT'S TRUE!
I SHOWED YOU HOW TO BE GOD
Tyler: THIS RAISES SO MANY THEOLOGICAL IMPLICATIONS
WERE MY MIND NOT INFINITE
IT MIGHT SPLODE
Jess: GOOD THING I TAUGHT YOU SO WELL, THEN
Tyler: INDEED
Tyler: OUT
LATER
Jess: LATA, MY STUDENT
DO WELL

AND ON THE EIGHTH DAY, WE CREATED A NEW DRINK

Tyler: I HAVE HIT THE WALL
Jess: NOT TOO HARD, I HOPE
Tyler: IT IS THAT POINT WHERE ANYTHING YOU STUDY JUST BOUNCES OUT OF YOUR HEAD
AND I CANNOT FOCUS AT ALL
IT IS THE SUCKS
Jess: EWW, I HATE THAT
TIME FOR A BREAK
SOMETHING...NINTENDO-LIKE?
Tyler: ALAS.
I AM STUCK ON CAMPUS
Jess: BOTHER THAT
Tyler: AND I HATE NOT STUDYING WHEN I SHOULD BE
I ONLY HAVE TWO HOURS LEFT BEFORE I HAVE TO TAKE IT
Jess: OH MAN
THAT IS THE SUCKS
Tyler: YEAH
I MEAN I FEEL OK
I HAVE STUDIED FOR ABOUT 10 HOURS
AND I FEEL PRETTY GOOD
BUT IF I DO NOT GET AN A
I WILL BEAT MYSELF BADLY
Jess: HMMM...GOD THREATENING TO SMITE HIMSELF
HOW PECULIAR
Tyler: MY WIFE IS GOING TO IKEA
THIS IS NEVER A GOOD THING
IT IS A BETTER THING THAN MAKING ME COME WITH HER THOUGH
Jess: HOLY COW!
SHE SHOULD HAVE COME WITH US LAST NIGHT
Tyler: YOU ARE ALL JUNKIES
SWEDISH JUNKIES
Jess: AND IF YOU WERE ANY KIND OF AWESOME, YOU WOULD GO WITH HER
AND LOVE IT
Tyler: TELL TIANNA THAT SHE IS A TRAITOR TO THE NORSE CAUSE
I AM NOT AWESOME LIKE THAT
Jess: WHY ON EARTH?
Tyler: IF BY AWESOME YOU MEAN EVIL
Jess: LOL
Tyler: AND IT IS QUITE POSSIBLE
SINCE I AM TALKING TO YOU
THAT THAT IS WHAT YOU MEAN
AND SHE IS A TRAITOR BECAUSE IKEA IS SWEDISH
THE SWEDES ARE THE ENEMIES OF THE NORSE
AND BY ENDORSING THEIR FURNITURE
SHE IS DESTROYING HER CULTURE
Jess: oh, right
I forget these things
Tyler: IT MAY NOT SEEM LIKE A BIG DEAL
BUT WHEN YOU BUY IKEA FURNITURE
YOU MAKE A VIKING CRY
Jess: HOW DO THE DANES FIT INTO ALL THIS?
LOL
Tyler: THIS IS NOT SOMETHING VIKINGS LIKE TO DO
SO TO MAKE THEMSELVES FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES AGAIN
THEY GET DRUNK
AND PILLAGE TOWNS
IN THIS WAY IKEA IS RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERY LIFE THE VIKINGS TAKE
Jess: LOL
Tyler: AND YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR A PART OF EACH OF THOSE LIVES
THERE IS BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS
Jess: BUT...BUT...
THEY LOOK CLEAN!
Tyler: BLOOOOOOOOD
Jess: YOU NEVER SAID HOW THE DANES FIT IN
Tyler: THE DANES DO NOT MATTER
HAMLET WAS THE ONLY GOOD THING THAT DENMARK WAS EVER INVOLVED IN
AND IT WAS WRITTEN BY A BRIT
SO IT ONLY COUNTS FOR HALF
Jess: UNH!!!
Tyler: YOU CANNOT USE PUNCTUATION LIKE THAT
IT IS NOT GODLY
Jess: I CAN TO!
IT MAY NOT BE YOU-GODLY, BUT IT IS CERTAINLY ME-GODLY
Tyler: YOU SHOULD ALSO USE THE RIGHT FORM OF TOO
THIS IS BETTER
Jess: HEY, I'M DOING ABOUT 80 THINGS AT ONCE HERE
Tyler: I AM SORRY
IS THAT TOO MUCH FOR YOUR DANISH BRAIN TO HANDLE
DAAAAAANE
Jess: I WILL KILL YOU DEAD
AND I WILL HIDE YOUR NES
Tyler: DAAAAAAANE
THAT IS NOT COOL
JUST SO YOU KNOW
Jess: WHICH PART?
Tyler: HIDING MY PROPERTY
OF COURSE
Jess: THE DEATH THREAT, OR THE NES THREAT?
Tyler: IT IS THE FIRST THING YOU DANES RESORT TO
THIEVERY
AND COWARDICE
Jess: OR THE WRITING OF FABULOUSLY AWESOME FAIRY TALES!
Tyler: AND PASTRY MAKING
Jess: NEVER FORGET HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN!!!!!
Tyler: DANES PUT THE FAIRY IN FAIRY TALES
AND CHEESE IN A PASTRY
THE SECOND WAS A GOOD MOVE
AND THE OTHER GOOD THING THAT HAS COME OUT OF DENMARK
(I AM JUST KIDDING)
Jess: LOL
Tyler: (I DO NOT HATE DANES)
THEY HAVE NEAT DOGS
GREAT DOGS IN FACT
THAT IS A PUN
TA HA
Jess: lol
Tyler: I AM NO RESPECTER OF PERSONS
I AM ESPECIALLY NOT A RESPECTER OF DANES
Jess: YOU DISRESPECT THEM ALL EQUALLY?
Tyler: OF ALL THE PEOPLE I DISRESPECT
I DISRESPECT DANES MORE
Jess: :p
:P
Tyler: YOU SENT IT TWICE
DAAAAAAAANE
Jess: well, the first one was messed up
Tyler: :)
I SMILE UPON YOU
And I think I must soon go...
I should really try really really hard to study.
Jess: YOU'VE HAD A NICE BREAK
Tyler: NOTHING TO RELAX A MAN LIKE BASHING SOME DANES
Jess: THAT'S WHAT I'M HERE FOR
Tyler: IT IS LIKE DRINKING
BUT WITH MORE CHEESE INSIDE
WHAT DID THAT MEAN
Jess: LOL
Tyler: I WONDER
Jess: DUNNO, BUT IT WAS FUNNY
Tyler: EXACTLY
APPARENTLY THERE IS A HOLE IN THE COCKTAIL MARKET FOR SOMETHING CALLED THE DANE
IT IS VODKA MIXED WITH CHEESE
I THINK IT WOULD BE A WINNER
Jess: WOULD THE CHEESE JUST SIT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE DRINK, OR WOULD YOU GET IT TO DISSOLVE SOMEHOW?
Tyler: IT IS SERVED WITH A NAPKIN WITH THE LITTLE MATCH GIRL WRITTEN ON IT
Jess: OR WOULD IT JUST GO ON A TOOTHPICK, LIKE THE OLIVES IN MARTINIS?
Tyler: SO YOU CRY AS YOU GET LOADED
Jess: oooooohhh
THAT'S WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS--MORE WEEPING DRUNKS
Tyler: IT WOULD BE BLENDED WITH CREAM CHEESE
WITH A SKEWERED PIECE ALSO
IT WOULD BE A HIGH FAT COCKTAIL
SO ALL THE WEEPY DRUNKS WOULD ALSO GET FAT
AND THAT IS WHAT I CALL JUSTICE
Jess: AND DIE OF HIGH CHOLESTEROL?
Tyler: NO NO NO
THEY WOULD KILL THEMSELVES LONG BEFORE THAT
THE DANE
Jess: OF COURSE THEY WOULD!
Tyler: RUINING LIVES IN EVERY FORM
AGAIN
THIS IS JUSTICE IN ME
AND NOW I WILL GO AND STUDY CHEMISTRY
BECAUSE I WANT AN A
Jess: GOOD LUCK!
OF COURSE YOU WILL GET AN A
Tyler: WE SHOULD CELEBRATE MY SUCCESS WITH A DANE
DANES ALL AROUND!
AND IF I FAIL
WE WILL GET DRUNK AND WEEP ABOUT THE LITTLE MATCH GIRL
Jess: 5 DANES!!!
SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN
Tyler: I THINK IT DOES
Jess: ONE OF YOUR BEST
Tyler: EVEN BETTER THAN THE PLAN OF SALVATION
Jess: DUUUDE
Tyler: (for that, I am going to hell)
Jess: THAT WAS YOU-GODLY, NOT ME-GODLY
LOL
Tyler: I should keep a list of all the blasphemous things I say so I can be sure to repent of them all.
right now....I just have to throw out the blanket, "And I'm sorry for all those blasphemous things."
Jess: OR AT LEAST SO THAT WHILE WE'RE ALL ROASTING IN HELL TOGETHER, WE CAN REMEMBER WHY AND LAUGH ABOUT IT
Tyler: Then I have to get sorry about it...
Jess: ANOTHER STEP FOR ANOTHER DAY, I SAY!
Tyler: THAT IS THE DIFFICULT PART
STEP ONE
KNOW YOU SHOULD NOT
STEP TWO
CARE
I HAVE ACHIEVED VICTORY OVER STEP ONE
Jess: YOUR PARENTS WOULD BE SO PROUD
Tyler: THAT IS AN INTERESTING THEOLOGICAL QUANDARY

HUMBLE BEGINNINGS

Explanations:

Tianna and Jess were not speaking to each other. I was the mediator/double agent going between.

This is where the blasphemy all begins.

Tyler: I THINK IT WILL BE FUN TO TYPE IN ALL CAPS TODAY
AND WITHOUT PUNCTUATION
Jessica: I LIKE TO DO THAT TOO
Tyler: THIS WAY I AM LIKE DINOSAUR COMICS
BUT WITHOUT THE HUMOR
Jessica: WHEN I DO IT, I PRETEND TO BE GOD!!!
(OF COURSE, FROM DINO COMICS)
ELSEWISE, IT WOULD BE SACRELIGIOUS
Tyler: THEN YOU HAVE TO BE BOLD
Jessica: WHICH I AM NEVER
Tyler: LIKE THIS
Jessica: I THOUGHT THAT MADE ME THE DEVIL
Tyler: NO HE DOESN'T TALK LIKE THIS
Jessica: HOW DOES HE TALK, THEN?
Tyler: http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000523.html
IT WOULD BE RED THEN
Jessica: OH OK
Tyler: MY MOUTH WAS MERELY OCCUPIED WITH DORITO RELATED ACTIVITIES
BRILLIANT
Jessica: LOL
GOD THINKS THE DEVIL IS FUNNY, TOO!!!
(FOR MY PURPOSES, SINCE I CAN'T TYPE IN RED, GOD WILL BE CAPS, THE DEVIL WILL BE BOLD)
(JUST SO'S YOU KNOW)
Tyler: INTERESTING
IT IS DIFFICULT TO TELL
http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000776.html
Jessica: HAHAHAHA
Tyler: LET US GO AND GET WASTED
Jessica: DUDE!
Tyler: WASTATION SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD USE OF WEEKEND
Jessica: THIS IS AN AWESOME PLAN
TIANNA: [really wants to put "has confused god" as my status, but knows it would be taken wrong by so many people]
LOL
SILLY MORTAL
TIANNA TOLD MICHAEL THAT THERE WOULD BE BOOZE AT THE PARTY TOMORROW NIGHT
Tyler: IT IS A GOOD THING YOU DID NOT LIE TO HIM
Tyler: REGARDLESS OF WHO IS LYING OR NOT
THERE WILL BE BOOZE.
Jessica: IT'S TRUE
Tyler: AS LONG AS WE UNDERSTAND THIS TO BE TRUE
NOW THEN
TO THE BOOZE
Jessica: TO THE BOOZE!!!
Tyler: I DID NOT MEAN NOW
STOP GETTING LOADED
Jessica: BUT
BUT
Tyler: YOUR SILENCE IS EVIDENT OF YOUR WASTED STATE
Jessica: IT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA
Tyler: IT PROBABLY WAS
IT OFTEN IS
YOU MUST HAVE PUT DOWN AT LEAST A FIFTH OF VODKA BY NOW
JUDGING BY HOW LONG YOU HAVE NOT BEEN TALKING
Jessica: WELL, I'M DOING MY BEST
I'VE GOT A PROBLEM
TIANNA WON'T HELP ME W/ IT B/C SHE'S SHUNNING ME
Tyler: WHAT IS THIS PROBLEM
Jessica: IF SHE KNEW WHAT IT WAS, SHE WOULD APOLOGIZE AND BE DONE W/ IT
Tyler: IS IT TO DO WITH WOMANLY ISSUES
BECAUSE IF SO
I WISH NO PART IN IT
Jessica: NO WAYS
IT IS TO DO W/ WORK
I SENT HER LACKEY A MESSAGE TO GIVE TO HER
BUT I AM NOT SURE HE WILL
Tyler: I SEE
WELL AS LONG AS IT IS NOT WOMANLY ISSUES RELATED
NOT THAT WOMANLY ISSUES ARE BAD
IN FACT I AM COOL WITH THEM
I LIVE WITH A WOMAN
Jessica: IT'S TRUE, YOU DO
Tyler: AND I AM A HIP AND WITH IT MANY OF THE TWENTY FIRST CENTURY
I AM SENSITIVE
Jessica: LOL
Tyler: BY MANY I MEANT MAN
Jessica: HEHE
Tyler: BUT STILL SENSITIVE AS THOUGH I WERE MANY MAN
Jessica: LOL
Tyler: Tyler: I AM DISCUSSING WOMANLY ISSUES
Brittany: With who?
Tyler: CARE TO GET ANYTHING OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM WHILE I AM IN THIS MODE
A FRIEND OF MINE
Brittany: I started my period today.
Tyler: HOLY HELL I WAS KIDDING
Jessica: LOL
Tyler: I TOO AM LAUGHING OUT LOUD
Jessica: TYLER, YOU ARE MY FAVORITE
THE MISSIONARIES ARE LOOKING AT ME ASKANCE
Tyler: IF ONE MUST BE LOOKED AT ASKANCE
MISSIONARIES ARE GOOD PEOPLE TO DO IT
ESPECIALLY SENIOR MISSIONARIES WHO HAVE PERFECTED BEING BETTER THAN YOU
AND BY YOU I MEAN EVERYONE
Jessica: LOL
I FEEL JUDGED
BY YOU
Tyler: IF BY YOU YOU MEAN EVERYONE
Jessica: LOL
Tyler: PERHAPS YOU ARE CORRECT
Jessica: OF COURSE I DO
;)
Tyler: I DO NOT JUDGE YOU
YET

Jessica changes her status to say "It's weird to hear your name out of nowhere"

Tyler: THAT IS PEOPLE PRAYING
IT IS DIFFICULT TO GET USED TO AT FIRST
Jessica: LOL
Tyler: TIANNA IS GOING TO LEAVE SOON
THERE SHOULD BE RECONCILIATION
Jessica: HUMPH
Tyler: CAN YOU FLIP A COIN TO SEE WHO WILL APOLOGIZE
Jessica: I DON'T CARRY CHANGE
BESIDES, WHY ON EARTH WOULD I APOLOGIZE?
Tyler: FOR PEACE
PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEACE
Jessica: MEH
THAT'LL HAPPEN ANYWAY, AS IT'S ALL A GAME
Tyler: I KNOW
BUT STILL
PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEACE
THE MANY LETTER ES MAKE IT EXTRA EMPHASIZED
Jessica: I THOUGHT THEY JUST MADE YOU SOUND WHINY
Tyler: YOU ARE MAKING ME SOUND WHINY
HOW IS THAT FOR A RETORT
Jessica: AWESOME
Tyler: BITING NO DOUBT
Jessica: I FEEL WOUNDED
NIGH UNTO DEATH
Tyler: GOOD THING ABOUT IMMORTALITY ISNT IT
Jessica: COMES IN HANDY
Tyler: THIS DOES NOT SEEM PRODUCTIVE
Jessica: WHAT DOESN'T?
Tyler: THE STATUS WAR
IF I ACT AS MEDIATOR
WILL YOU ENGAGE IN A CHAT
Jessica: I SUSPECT YOU OF PLAYING BOTH SIDES
Tyler: BUT STILL HERE
Tyler: ITS LIKE BEING OMNIPOTENT BUT WITH NONE OF THE RESPONSIBILITY
Jessica: SO BEAUTIFUL
Tyler: I REFUSE TO BE COUNTED AS YOUR LACKEY ANY LONGER
NOR AM I TIANNAS
Jessica: I NEVER COUNTED YOU
Tyler: I AM MERELY A MAN STANDING ON THE BATTLE LINE SINGING GIVE PEACE A CHANCE
Jessica: I KNEW YOU WERE A DOUBLE AGENT ALL ALONG
YEAH, YOU AND MICHAEL BOTH
COUPLA HIPPIES
Tyler: HIPPIES WITH GUNS
YEAH
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT VISUAL
Jessica: SO MUCH COOLER THAN THE TRADITIONAL ONES
Tyler: http://www.qwantz.com/archive/000900.html
READ THE THIRD PANEL
I HAVE DONE THIS IN REAL LIFE
THE GIRL I WAS KISSING WAS NOT HAPPY
Jessica: LOL
Tyler: EXCEPT IT WAS NOT IN MY HEAD
THERE WAS A SHOW ON THE TV
AND A JOKE WAS MADE
AND I LAUGHED HARD
IT WAS A BAD MOVE
Jessica: HEHEHE
Tyler: I DO NOT RECOMMEND DOING IT
Jessica: I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND
Tyler: PUT THAT IN YOUR BOOK OF ADVICE
AND SMOKE IT
Jessica: ALTHOUGH, KISSING WHILE SO DISTRACTED MAY NOT BE WISE EITHER
ESPECIALLY 'CUZ WHEN ASKED WHAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT, I'D HAVE TO SAY "TYLER"
PROBLEMATIC
Tyler: OH MY
THAT WOULD BE ODD FOR ALL PARTIES INVOLVED
Jessica: QUITE
Tyler: AT LEAST IT IS NOT A WOMAN WHO TOLD YOU THIS
Jessica: TRUE--EVEN MORE AWKWARD
Tyler: INCREDIBLY SO
I AM GOING TO GO NOW.
Jessica: OK
OK
ENJOY YOUR BINGE
Tyler: I HAVE BEEN
YOU DO THE SAME